debris4spike: (Fred & Ginger)
I am a couple of days late as I don't turn on the computer on Sundays, and yesterday I wasn't feeling 100%, so I am doing a catch up now -

Challenge #9

In your own space, brag about yourself. Tell us what things you've done that you're proud of; the things that make you the wonderful person you are. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.


I am never happy with anything I do however as many of you will know I was bullied at school ... not just by the girls I was with but by a couple of teachers ... so, to Miss Bodmin & to Mr Nolle let me say this ...

Miss Bodmin, you tried throwing me out of English lessons when I was 15, but one year later I got a grade B & a grade C in O levels. And, since the internet has been more popular I have managed to write some fanfics .... ithey may not be Shakespeare, but I have managed to write them ... and even had a few nice comments and Kudos over the years.  So, maybe I can't always spell things, and get sentances muddled; but there is no deed to try to refuse a child her education.

Mr Nolle. yes you thought I had promise when I copied with a pencil, but you never accepted that I am colourblind.  Well, sorry but I am ... which is a real pain.  But to not believe me when I got colours wrong is truly wrong.  And again fandom has taught me to use photo-editing stuff to make icons ... and I enjoy it (I made the one I am using).

So, not to brag - but despite teachers I have fun in fandom ... and yes, I can be involved.

debris4spike: (James - thinky thoughts)
In actual fact I was going to post this post, even before I saw today's question.

As many of you know, I was bullied for 8 - 9 years (so this answers question #23), and it has left me isolated. I know I don't make friends, and step away from most people when I first meet them ... it's a defence mechanism, that means I can't get hurt with peopl pulling away from me. Stupid, I know, but years of "training" are impossible to break.

Anyway, this week I actually met up with someone from work for a socially-distant walk. They offered, and I was a good girl, and said yes.

Then yesterday I had the most amazing invitation, that has really hit me deeply. Mum & Dad's neighbour (who I have kept in touch with .... normally while Jiffy was having a haircut I would pop in for a catch-up), Eric, died at the beginning of the month. He was a truly lovely man. Well as most of the world is aware funerals are impossible. He died of a stroke, and they were given 10 seats at the Chapel So I said I would go to the "bench-naming" ceremony when lockdown is rmoved. The couple have 5 children (3 living) and all of them have children & grandchildren ... it is a huge, and pretty close, family. So, they organised their 10 guests OK. However due to family living arrangements the Crem have said they can have 2 further guests, and yes, they have asked me. To say I was humbled & honoured is a true understatement.

So next Wednesday I shall be going to Torquay, for a sad reason, but a very special reason




22 What small thing can you plan to do tomorrow that you’ve never done before?
Nothing, that I can think of

23 What would your teen self think of the adult you’ve become?
I suppose also I would be suprised I am single, as my upbringing was very much that of "getting married, and living happily after".  But combining ththe 2 answers, maybe I am not suprised I'm single.




One of the projects I aimed to do was sort through the family photos, and photograph them, but Tim has the annuals, and tells me that he will do it!

Well as it turned out, my cousin sent me a few photos that his mum had, so took the photos yesterday - now I am mid-editting, and hoping Tim does as he promied.

This picture is my maternal Great-Grandmother.  Auntie Marion had written that is was taken in Bath, so if so it was pre-1887, as that is when they emigrated to Toronto.  (I know Tim has a photo of her taken in Toronto, so will post that if I ever I get a copy) ... but until then meet Julia Hillson

 photo DSC_0032_zpsgu9g2owj.jpg

Yay!!!

Tuesday, February 18th, 2020 08:42 pm
debris4spike: (OK - James)
I have just heard from my neighbours that they think it's their fence, so will repair it. So brilliant, that's one bill, however small, I won't have this month. I will admit that I thought it was my fence, so am glad to find out it that it isn't.

YAY

I had someone from work pop in this evening to give my my wedding invitation ... I already knew about it, and hotel is already booked ... so are the flights, as it is in Portugal. There will be 6 from the dept, and the bride, as well as (ironically) my neighbours (who are also friends). I dare say I will spend a lot of time sitting by the pool, which I hate, but am determined to do a bit of sight-seeing, as well. But it will be a fun 5 days.


Well, here I am with 2 days -

17 If you could go back and caution your twelve-year-old self about something, what would you say?
That nothing could be done to stop the bullying, however much Mum & Dad would try to help me.

18 What is the newest article of clothing you’re wearing right now? How old is it?
My trainers are only 6 months old, and is the newest. Partly as I am stuck at home I am in relaxed clothes., but partly, if I like something, I don't throw it away until I really have to.
debris4spike: (Yay!)
What a week .... talk about a roller-coaster.

Having started back at work this week after my holiday to Italy (yes pictures are partly up, and some more to come later) I knew the week would feel weird, especially as I had my annual update training day on Wednesday.  Working for the NHS in a large hospital there are certain things we need to re-learn every year, eg fire safety, hand hygiene, and basic life support ... so that was my Wednesady organised.

However, before I got there, late Tuesday afternoon I had a phone call from my doctor saying my blood test from the previous Friday (to check my thyroxine, etc) was showing an ovarian marker ... I needed scans.  So, Thursday morning I phoned, and was seen an hour later ... but was told I was all clear. 

The weird thing is, for that 36 hours I didn't think who I could talk to (other than God), but my main concern overall was not how much I might miss of the future, but of how Jiffy would cope.  However all is OK, totally clear.

Today I had a stress management day at work, as well.  And one thing that they were talking about was learning to be thankful.  I have done these sorts of posts in the past, but thought I would try to do it again for a few weeks ... and hopefully that will also make me post.

The stress course was good in that it showed me how I had managed to develope depression even though I had (and have) no regrets with looking after Mum & Dad.  One thing I did get reminded was that all the bullying I had a teenager has left scars ... and medically scars do fade, but never disappear.  So I realise that I must accept that the hurt of years ago will always shape my life.

Sorry for scribbling, but as I realised today (and this week) I have let a lot continue to drift, and no longer have Mum & Dad to ground me, so scribbling here is a way of letter go of some of the tension of the week.
debris4spike: (James - Exam time)
Day 1 - A Picture Of Myself.
Day 2 - 20 Facts About Myself.
Day 3 - Favourite Quote.
Day 4 - What Are You Afraid Of.
Day 5 - 10 Favourite Songs.
Day 6 - Your Five Senses Right Now.
Day 7 - Your Pet Hates.
Day 8 - What's In Your Handbag.
Day 9 - What's Your Worst Habits.
Day 10 - What's Your Best Physical Feature.
Day 11 - List 15 Of Your Favourite Things.
Day 12 - What's In Your Fridge.
Day 13 - What Is Your Earliest Memory.
Day 14 - If You Won The Lottery.
Day 15 -Timeline Of Your Day.
Day 16 - What's At The Top Of Your Bucket List.
Day 17 - What Is Your Most Proud Moment.
Day 18 - The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name.
Day 19 - What Do You Collect?.

Day 20 - A Difficult Time In Your Life

I suppose the hardest time was when I was at school. Up till I was 9/10 life was great. I had fun, friends and enjoyed it. Then with another school change I met up with bullying ... something that I had never met before.

Hard to describe what it was like, but mainly I was teased for my faith, my glasses, my willingness to obey, etc. The thing that was the hardest was that every time I tried to be friendly I was isolated.

The girl who was the ring-leader moved schools with me, so for the next 5 years that continued ... by my 6th form, things were easier as she left. Add to that an English teacher who told me I was useless and an art teacher who told me I was weird that I didn't know colour (yes, I'm colourblind ... which was discovered when I was 9), all in all school days were not the "happiest days of my life."

It's left me with a real isolationist attitude - which is hard to shake. LJ has done wonders for me, in that I have friends here ... something I have had little knowledge of in RL. (Yes I do have a couple of good friends, but only over the last few years)

Anyway - we all have bad times, nothing takes those away - but we get through them. As my Grandmother used to quote -

"Here we suffer grief and pain, over the road they are doing the same"

Buffy Season 1

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 09:10 pm
debris4spike: (Buffy - season 1)
At long last I am getting round to watching the rest of season 1 of BtVS.  I started it some time ago, but ground to a halt just after the episode "Angel" ... I wonder why!!!!!  Anyway, having posted some Spike icons yesterday I need to get back to watching so that I can get to "School Hard"!

So yesterday and today I watched a couple of episodes ... "Nightmares" and "Out of Mind, Out of Sight".

Both of which are good ... but hard to watch, for me.

We all have our Nightmares, and for most of us, they are recurring.  So watching an episode where they come into rl makes me wonder how I would cope with those heartaches in reality ... and all of a sudden it seems easier to leave my fears to me dreams.

In the show it also reminded me that the things I fear are not the same as the worries of others.  In the episode some fears seemed funny to their friends, but fears and terrors are real.  Dad always teases me that I can run away from a tiny spider, yet I will make friends with a horse ... to him, horses are bigger than him, and therefore he can't cope with the idea.  On that note I must admit my eyes were tightly closed when Wendel was having his spiders roaming around ... I am that freaked out!

Out of Mind, Out of Sight is probably the hardest of all the BtVS episodes (of all 7 seasons) to watch.  I almost missed it out ... seeing the scenes of Marcie being ignored brought home too many memories.  I can totally understand the feeling of being invisible, and the wish to become so.  School life is hard on us all, but some people do get lost in this way.  I left school in 1979, and still that episode makes me feel that I am still wearing my uniform.

I didn't join a spy school, though ... LJ has helped me to find friends ... and maybe to put some of those "nightmares" away ... although never to truly escape them.



A couple of weeks ago I saw a Buffy Survey on [livejournal.com profile] joans_journal ... so thought I would snag and add to this short post.


ExpandBuffy Survey )




.
debris4spike: (Buffy - with sword)
As I said on Friday my Buffy re-watch was painful this time ... and gave me a hard day yesterday of feeling very alone and un-wanted. Sad to think that 35 - 40 years on the sheer mention of bullying brings such heartaching pain.

Anyway, I must win - "she" is not going to win!

Today in Church we sang a modern version of the 23rd Psalm ... and it reminded me of verse 4 of the Psalm -

"Yea, though I walk through the valley (of the shadow of death) you are with me"

.... A valley is dark, but you come out the other side, to a new view, a new start.

debris4spike: (Buffy - with sword)
As I said on Friday my Buffy re-watch was painful this time ... and gave me a hard day yesterday of feeling very alone and un-wanted. Sad to think that 35 - 40 years on the sheer mention of bullying brings such heartaching pain.

Anyway, I must win - "she" is not going to win!

Today in Church we sang a modern version of the 23rd Psalm ... and it reminded me of verse 4 of the Psalm -

"Yea, though I walk through the valley (of the shadow of death) you are with me"

.... A valley is dark, but you come out the other side, to a new view, a new start.

debris4spike: (Buffy - season 1)
One of the "problems" I have when I decide to re-watch a series is that I tend to not want to see certain episodes.

I am re-watching 3 series at present and with Stargate I am skipping an odd episode, but with Blakes 7 and BtVS I am being a good girl and watching them all ... even those that I don't want to.

In doing so it makes me see bits of the overall story that I would have missed and had forgotten, so I must be positive and continue.

In my BtVS re-watch I am at one of those episodes.  I don't like it ... and a lot of the problem is that it addreses the problem of bullying.  Buffy was a great series in that they did deal with a few issues that are taboo ... yet occur far too often in real life.


ExpandSo, here goes, a few thoughts on The Pack )


Yes, I was bullied ... and no, the person never realised, or acknowledged that it happened.

Yes, I had support from my family - although that did give me a security blanket that to this day is hard to escape, as the family are used to making decsisions for me to help me.

Life was hard - is hard for those who are bullied ... and the bullies themselves become very hard people who don't take others feelings into account.

To a degree I have forgiven those at school - but those years have shaped who and what I am ... and continue to do so.  However, maybe those steps are what led me to today, and my friends here ... so maybe, in a  perverse way, I should be thankful  (although I doubt that will happen!!)
debris4spike: (Buffy - season 1)
One of the "problems" I have when I decide to re-watch a series is that I tend to not want to see certain episodes.

I am re-watching 3 series at present and with Stargate I am skipping an odd episode, but with Blakes 7 and BtVS I am being a good girl and watching them all ... even those that I don't want to.

In doing so it makes me see bits of the overall story that I would have missed and had forgotten, so I must be positive and continue.

In my BtVS re-watch I am at one of those episodes.  I don't like it ... and a lot of the problem is that it addreses the problem of bullying.  Buffy was a great series in that they did deal with a few issues that are taboo ... yet occur far too often in real life.


ExpandSo, here goes, a few thoughts on The Pack )


Yes, I was bullied ... and no, the person never realised, or acknowledged that it happened.

Yes, I had support from my family - although that did give me a security blanket that to this day is hard to escape, as the family are used to making decsisions for me to help me.

Life was hard - is hard for those who are bullied ... and the bullies themselves become very hard people who don't take others feelings into account.

To a degree I have forgiven those at school - but those years have shaped who and what I am ... and continue to do so.  However, maybe those steps are what led me to today, and my friends here ... so maybe, in a  perverse way, I should be thankful  (although I doubt that will happen!!)
debris4spike: (Spike talking.)
Way back in June I asnswered a meme-prompt on [livejournal.com profile] kudagirls LJ and these are the 5 questions she asked.

Your five questions are:

1.If you met the person who bullied you the most growing up, what would you say to them now?

2. If you could sit down and speak with Jesus today, what would you ask him?

3. What five people living/dead/real/character(not Spike/James) would you like to spend a day getting to know on a personal level.

4. If you could have any other profession, what would it be?

5. In no more than 100 words, can you please sell your fandom to someone who has never heard of anything to do with it? (don't use any Whedon fandom since I did one of those)


As I have now answered similar on another LJ I must get this one done first. I am just so sorry Kuda had to wait so long, but one question in particular stumped me for a long time ... can you guess which?

ExpandMy five answers are - )

debris4spike: (Spike talking.)
Way back in June I asnswered a meme-prompt on [livejournal.com profile] kudagirls LJ and these are the 5 questions she asked.

Your five questions are:

1.If you met the person who bullied you the most growing up, what would you say to them now?

2. If you could sit down and speak with Jesus today, what would you ask him?

3. What five people living/dead/real/character(not Spike/James) would you like to spend a day getting to know on a personal level.

4. If you could have any other profession, what would it be?

5. In no more than 100 words, can you please sell your fandom to someone who has never heard of anything to do with it? (don't use any Whedon fandom since I did one of those)


As I have now answered similar on another LJ I must get this one done first. I am just so sorry Kuda had to wait so long, but one question in particular stumped me for a long time ... can you guess which?

ExpandMy five answers are - )

debris4spike: (James - thinky thoughts)
Day 01 - Introduction
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail - N/A
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail


Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

I know I took more a month .... but here we are at the end of this meme.  I don't think I've learnt much about myself ... and probably you haven't either.

As I said earlir life is made of moments ... good and bad.  And I think it's something we should remember.

On a negative side, I was pushed in a swimming pool (by a teacher!) .... a moment in time, that has left me petrified of water.  Although I swim (and shower) I have to be in control, or I leave the area.  The same with bullying ... as I said earlier this week, I can't make friends in RL ... I am scared of being hurt.  Those moments of pain years ago still affect me.

However I suppose I can be positve and said my choice to commit my life to God took a moment, but is my life now.

I believe in "love at first sight"

So ... moments, they may not seem much, but they have a total (and everlasting) effect.

debris4spike: (James - thinky thoughts)
Day 01 - Introduction
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail - N/A
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail


Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

I know I took more a month .... but here we are at the end of this meme.  I don't think I've learnt much about myself ... and probably you haven't either.

As I said earlir life is made of moments ... good and bad.  And I think it's something we should remember.

On a negative side, I was pushed in a swimming pool (by a teacher!) .... a moment in time, that has left me petrified of water.  Although I swim (and shower) I have to be in control, or I leave the area.  The same with bullying ... as I said earlier this week, I can't make friends in RL ... I am scared of being hurt.  Those moments of pain years ago still affect me.

However I suppose I can be positve and said my choice to commit my life to God took a moment, but is my life now.

I believe in "love at first sight"

So ... moments, they may not seem much, but they have a total (and everlasting) effect.

Half & Half

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011 09:34 am
debris4spike: (James - shy)

Yes, I'm quirky ... even i know that, but as for being outgoing and loving to meet new people ... no, I'm afraid that is not me. 

I have a fear of walking into a room ... one of my real problesm ... most people who have met me in RL may have guessed that, as I tend to keep to myself ... it's a weird thing, I know, but I have figured that if I don't get close to people I can't get hurt.  Teenage bullying has a lot to answer for, because even though I know I do it, I can't escape that terror.


Your Little Black Dress Says You're Quirky



You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly.

You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections.



Your style is whimsical and unique. You're good at putting together interesting outfits.



If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots



Half & Half

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011 09:34 am
debris4spike: (James - shy)

Yes, I'm quirky ... even i know that, but as for being outgoing and loving to meet new people ... no, I'm afraid that is not me. 

I have a fear of walking into a room ... one of my real problesm ... most people who have met me in RL may have guessed that, as I tend to keep to myself ... it's a weird thing, I know, but I have figured that if I don't get close to people I can't get hurt.  Teenage bullying has a lot to answer for, because even though I know I do it, I can't escape that terror.


Your Little Black Dress Says You're Quirky



You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly.

You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections.



Your style is whimsical and unique. You're good at putting together interesting outfits.



If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots



Picture Meme - Day 12

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 10:33 am
debris4spike: (Tea + Hope)


And so I continue with my Picture Meme that I snagged from [livejournal.com profile] hell0kittyangel ...

Day 1 — Your Best Friend ... Toni
Day 2 — Your crush ... James Marsters
Day 3 — Your Parents ... Mum and Dad
Day 4 — Your sibling ... Nick & Tim
Day 5 — Your dreams ... here
Day 6 — A Stranger ... here
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush ... N/A
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend ... Annemarie (& Stefan)
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet ... The Queen & Prince Philip ... and James, of course
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to ... College
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to ... My Grandparents

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

I don't actually hate anyone ... and that is honest.  However for my last 2 years of junior school and my 7 years at senior school I was a victim of bullying.  Those scars linger ... no, I don't have marks on my body, just on my heart - my reactions to people, my isolation ... many things.  Over the last couple of years I have managed to accept that those feeling will always be there - that's not to say I don't feel sad when I think of them, but have learnt that I have some amazing friends around the world who don't care what my faith is, that I wear glasses ... or that I'm close to my family ... Thank you.

However I am very proud of the school I attended.

Photobucket 

The Coopers half was started in 1536 (and the year we moved to the West Country Tim and I attended a service of 450 years celebration in St Pauls Cathedral ... that was a special time.  Coborn was the younger schooll having been founded in 1701.   I started there in 1972, and when I started the school was in the process of moving to Upminster ... and was pleased to be involved in the opening celebrations.  If you want to read more, then you can go to their website

The Coopers Company Crest ... A livery Company Crest that I am entitled to still wear.

Photobucket 

The Coborn School Crest ... our year was the last year to wear this, as the school fully amalgamated in 1973, and only The Coopers Crest was worn after that.

Photobucket
 


ExpandPictures still to post )

   

   

 


Picture Meme - Day 12

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 10:33 am
debris4spike: (Tea + Hope)


And so I continue with my Picture Meme that I snagged from [livejournal.com profile] hell0kittyangel ...

Day 1 — Your Best Friend ... Toni
Day 2 — Your crush ... James Marsters
Day 3 — Your Parents ... Mum and Dad
Day 4 — Your sibling ... Nick & Tim
Day 5 — Your dreams ... here
Day 6 — A Stranger ... here
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush ... N/A
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend ... Annemarie (& Stefan)
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet ... The Queen & Prince Philip ... and James, of course
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to ... College
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to ... My Grandparents

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

I don't actually hate anyone ... and that is honest.  However for my last 2 years of junior school and my 7 years at senior school I was a victim of bullying.  Those scars linger ... no, I don't have marks on my body, just on my heart - my reactions to people, my isolation ... many things.  Over the last couple of years I have managed to accept that those feeling will always be there - that's not to say I don't feel sad when I think of them, but have learnt that I have some amazing friends around the world who don't care what my faith is, that I wear glasses ... or that I'm close to my family ... Thank you.

However I am very proud of the school I attended.

Photobucket 

The Coopers half was started in 1536 (and the year we moved to the West Country Tim and I attended a service of 450 years celebration in St Pauls Cathedral ... that was a special time.  Coborn was the younger schooll having been founded in 1701.   I started there in 1972, and when I started the school was in the process of moving to Upminster ... and was pleased to be involved in the opening celebrations.  If you want to read more, then you can go to their website

The Coopers Company Crest ... A livery Company Crest that I am entitled to still wear.

Photobucket 

The Coborn School Crest ... our year was the last year to wear this, as the school fully amalgamated in 1973, and only The Coopers Crest was worn after that.

Photobucket
 


ExpandPictures still to post )

   

   

 


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