Eternal Refuge

Un-beta'd fic set just as Season 6 BtVS is starting.


Thanks For The Memory!


Daylight, see the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses wither away
Like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile of the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every streetlamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon
It will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
A streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

c.  Andrew Lloyd Webber


Thanks For The Memory!

Over the last few weeks Spike had learned to butcher a favourite song, focusing on some of the
lyrics, more than others. He had memories of happier times.

When his slayer could beat him up, to get help, or just to release her frustration with what was going
on around her.

Spike remembered happy times talking to Joyce about her eldest … memories that took him back to
his own mum, to times when he knew what it was like to be loved.

Now he was dealing with a girl who had lost everything … her mum, her big sis, and even recently
her surrogate dad had flown back to England. Hank had never even come to Joyce’s funeral, so no
one had let him know about Buffy. His Dawn was alone.

The words of his song came back to him …. With the coming dawn he needed to head back to Dawn
… he needed her to know that he was OK, and more importantly, that she was loved. He said a final
goodbye to his resting girl and headed back across town. He never wanted to forget his promise
that Dawn would be kept safe, but he had added to that promise by assuring that she knew she was
loved. Those memories she could take with her, whatever her future held.

He thought it seemed more important, recently, to be there with her as the Scoobies seemed so
preoccupied with their lives, so that Dawn was being forgotten. He made sure that he was there,
assuring her both of his love, as well as her mum & sister’s love. Memories that were too special to
forget.

After 4 months the pair of them had got into a bit of a routine which made life easier. She was now
getting back to school, and with his help, even her homework grades were improving.

He made it home just as dawn was breaking and was able to make sure his Dawn had something to
eat before school. He was also reminded that the Scoobies would be out yet again that evening, but
that he needn’t bother to patrol as they had it all under control. As ever, their words were heard,
and promptly ignored. His Buffy had patrolled ever night, and in her memory, he would continue to
do the same, once someone was eventually home to be with Dawn.

Of course, he should have known that his plans never run smoothly.

Chaos reigned …. Noise, destruction, disaster. Spike realised that he had fond memories of times
years ago when he had been the ringleader of such an evening. Now he had a teenage girl who was
worried, and 4 people who should know better that were missing.

Eventually he returned home, prepared to read the riot act to Dawn … only to find even those plans
changed …

“Pet.”

147 days when memories were all he had. Now he had to remember previous days of caring for a
lost soul. A girl who was hurting …. His girl had returned.

But maybe it would have been better, even for him, if her memory was all he had. That way she
wouldn’t be hurting like she is now. But, there again, as the song says, as he touched her, he was
happy to see her and to know he would have even more memories to store up and keep him warm in the weeks and years to come

This set of icons is made for Round 56 of monthlyinspo  ... with a theme of Peach Fuzz.  All the icons are from BtVS season 6 ... and I just really hope that the colour fits (as ever, there are worries for me as someone who is colourblind).  So if anyone feels that a colour doesn't fit, please do let me know.

Anyway, enjoy -

1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15

As ever, all are snaggable, but credit would be appreciated. The credits are available over at my icon journal - d4s_icons

I have made this set of icons for Round 25 at gen10in30, and the theme is Fandom. And, as you know, I am a fan of one actor ... however have gone with some of my fandom OTPs ... as well as a couple of fandoms from childhood/teenage years that I still enjoy

1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10

As ever, all are snaggable, but credit would be appreciated. The credits are available over at my icon journal - d4s_icons

Yes, I actually wrote a fic for this times seasonal_spuffy ... but beware that it is un-beta'd, so there are probably loads of (gramatical) mistakes.

It is set literally as season 6 begins (but this time there are no invading demon biker gang




Bargaining Better


“Niblet, I’m off on patrol.”

“That’s OK Spike, take as long as you want. The others should be home soon, but even if not, I am not going to leave the house … or open the door to anyone.” Dawn added before Spike could give her that command.

“See you soon. I’ll be back once I have done a quick sweep.”

And with that Spike headed out into the night. Both he and Dawn knew that he would finish off at Buffy’s grave as it had become a nightly routine. It seemed the one thing that was helping him cope with her loss – giving her a daily update as to what the Scoobies had been up to. Spike usually managed to leave just before the girls returned home, and overall that made for less tension and arguments. Dawn hadn’t told him that the time had been slowly getting later, as she enjoyed the freedom from answering Willow’s numerous questions.

Spike did as he had said and went through the local cemeteries, staking a couple of vampires as he went, before making his way to the quiet corner where Buffy was resting.

As he made his way across the cemetery he could hear the Scoobies chatting loudly, and realised they were all hovering over her grave. He was surprised as they hadn’t visited much, and now seemed to be settled in for some time. So, he waited to see why they had decided to sit in a circle round the grave, and other than making out a few part sentences, even his vampire hearing couldn’t pick up clear phrases, because, as ever, they seemed all determined to talk at the same time.

“… how long … didn’t work … hell … tired … fed up … why … why wait … “

Spike settled back, leaning against a tree in the hope he could work out why they were there, but mostly he heard Xander moaning about time, and Anya complaining about missing money. So, he smiled to himself and thought of the popular phrase *so no change there*.

In the end he didn’t have to wait too long, before they headed out of the area, and he made his way to the actual grave site. There seemed a lot of rubbish lying around, which truly annoyed him. Pens, pieces of paper with lots of foreign looking words, some empty containers, and even a half-eaten packet of mints. So, it took some time but he collected up the junk, and even a leaf, before heading to a nearby bin.

Once he was happy that Buffy was resting in peace, with a tidy space, he settled down to talk to her, and catch her up to date with Dawn’s day. He had just started his regular moan about the fact that math should be called maths when he was aware of the sounds of a vampire rising.

“No, it can’t be” he continued chatting to Buffy. “There aren’t any new graves near enough for me to hear, and I can’t sense anyone. But there is something happening …” he broke off as he suddenly understood that the noise was coming from the ground near his feet.

“But? … Who? … How? …” The only thing he could do was disturb her grave himself, and as he did he touched a human hand, which he automatically grabbed and pulled out into the night.

“Buffy, pet, what happened ...” He started in a hushed voice, but on looking at her again realised that she looked as shocked and lost as he felt. He slowly pulled her back to the tree where he had been resting earlier and got them both to sit down. As he slowly put his arm around the trembling girl he felt tears gathering in her eyes. He just sat lost in shock and wonder, while slowly stroking his hand across the top of her arm as he felt her relax against him.

Part of him felt a sense of supreme peace, while part of him was seething with anger that someone had taken his girl away from her peace. Even though he kept his body relaxed for her, his mind was working furiously and it took him all his will-power not to scream the name Willow aloud when he worked out what had happened.

“Come on Pet, lets get you cleaned up. Would you like to get home so Niblet can help you? Those fingers must feel sore.” Still no verbal response, but at least she looked down at her hands at his words.

“Well if not that, how about we go to my crypt as it’s nearer. I keep water there for when Dawn visits.” At this Buffy turned to look at Spike, so seeing that she responded he slowly stood them both up, thanking his innate strength that he could do this task for her. Then keeping his arm round him he turned and slowly walked across the cemetery.

###
“Come on, Pet. Let’s get you settled on this seat. It’s not really comfy, but better than the floor, ain’t it?” Spike kept calm and quiet as he settled Buffy into his home, before getting her the promised bottle of water. As she seemed so passive he opened the bottle and actually held it slowly to her mouth, slowly tipping so a few drops could go into her mouth. Fortunately for them both her natural reflex kicked in and she swallowed the water, so he poured a little bit more for her, before removing the bottle to hold it out near her hands.

“Sp … ike.” Her word was so tentative Spike’s heart ached for her, but not letting his reaction show, he just answered her in a similar quiet tone

“Yes, Pet, it’s me.” Then, after a pause “Would you like a little more water?” Spike’s heart broke a little more when she just opened her lips again so he could pour the water in, rather than just attempting to take the bottle. Decades of training with Dru gave him patience though, and slowly they worked together until the bottle was empty. Much as he wanted to get her clean, and sort out the cuts on her hands, he knew that would be a step too far for her, so he let her rest again, knowing that she was hurting more emotionally than physically.

Eventually his patience was answered as she quietly started talking again.

“Spike.”

“Yes, Pet.”

“Where are we? Is this hell?”

“Oh, no, Buffy. Why would you think that?”

“Well you’re here. And it’s not where I was, so it must be hell.”

And, yet again, Spike’s heart took another hammering. “Oh, Pet, no. You are back in good old Sunnyhell” As Spike answered he realised what he had said, so smiled and added “Oh well, there you are. Maybe you were right after all.”

More silence as both of them processed what the other had said.

“Buffy, pet. You were pulled out of Heaven, weren’t you? I guessed that is where you were, you bein’ so good ‘nd all.”

“Why?”

“Why did I think you were good, or why did you get pulled out?” As he didn’t get clarification he answered his own questions. “You battled evil for years, and sacrificed yourself to save your sis. As to the other, well, mmm … I suppose they thought that you were in hell as you fell through a portal opened by a hell god.”

“They?”

Yes, Pet. I think it was the Scoobs that did this, as I saw them around your grave earlier.”

“Giles?”

“No, not him. Not Niblet. I knew they were always plotting put didn’t know what about. If I had known I would have asked, and pushed them until they stopped. Then I could have actually saved you, unlike last time.”

“Dawn.”

“Yes, she is at home. In fact, I should be going back. See I kept that promise I made to you. She is safe, and will stay safe, as long as I stay undusty.”

A short time later, Spike offered Buffy some more water, and he was relieved to see that she took the bottle this time and slowly sipped it down.

“Umm, Pet, I really do need to check on Dawn. Do you want to …?” Spike broke off his question as he saw Buffy start to shrink into herself. “No worries. I have made downstairs quite comfy so that Dawn and I can escape the chaos from time to time. Would you like to go down and rest there, while I go speak to Lil’ Sis?”

At Buffy’s tentative smile he opened up the makeshift hatch and dropped down to light some candles for his guest. Then he guided her down the step-ladder and made sure she was settled, before heading back up, and out across the town to Ravello Drive.

As he guessed the house was full of the gang talking and shouting over each other. So much so that they weren’t even away that he entered and ghosted up the stairs to Dawn’s room. Once there he just told her that he had a slight problem that needed sorting and he would be back before sunrise. She accepted his explanation as sometimes he had needed time alone, and guessed that this was one of those nights. Rather than risk detection he jumped out of her bedroom window, while the girl herself put her earphones back on, at full volume, and relaxed back on her bed.

###
Spike carefully let himself back into his crypt, and headed downstairs. Although he hadn’t been gone all that long Buffy was curled up in a tight ball, so he approached carefully. Having lived for decades with Drusilla he knew the best way for his lady to cope was speaking quietly, calmly, and slowly.

Sitting next to her, he slowly rested his hand on her shoulder and gently rubbed. As he spoke about nothing in particular, slowly extending the range of his hand across her shoulders, he felt her begin to relax again. In the end she slowly turned so that she was resting against his arm, and as she did that Spike slowly placed his opposite arm on her shoulder, while never giving up on his monologue.

As she relaxed against him, Spike started to talk about Dawn, and what the summer had been like for her. Slowly Buffy started asking one-word questions, and Spike knew the time had come to speak of the future.

“You know, Pet, I never stopped loving you, and missing you. Same with Dawn.”

“Mmm”

“Buffy, we do need to get you more settled than this.”

“No, don’t go.”

“OK, Buffy. I know that you have had people leave you. But I am not one of them. Look I proved it this summer. Yes, I cared for Dawn, and yes, I love her, but the only reason I didn’t greet the sun was because I made a promise to you. I promised you then that I would protect her, and that promise stays. But, I now extend that promise to include her big sis …” At this he felt Buffy smile where she was resting on him. “Yes, her big sis needs protecting. She needs looking after and care. Firstly, she needs protection against her friends, and then care to get her to cope, and later enjoy, life again.”

Spike paused to let her take in his words, never giving up on the gentle hug.

“You know Pet, I’ve seena lot over the years, after all I’ve been I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood... which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So, I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. So, Pet, I am here to get you back to your life, not for any reason other than you're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy.”

B… but …”

“I know it’s not going to be today, or even tomorrow, but it will come. I will be there with you, every step of the way, and that is a bargain I make. Remember, I looked after Dru, and she was mad. I protected her against Angelus & Darla. So, this is easy, ain’t it?”

“So, let’s just sit a while, and rest. And then we are going to do step one. We are going to walk home, and I am going to re-gain your house for you and Dawn. I have been crashing in the basement, and that won’t change, because I am going to be your guard dog from now on, for as long as you need.

Even though Spike had begun to feel sunrise calling he didn’t push her, deciding if they ended up spending the daylight hours here, then that would be fine by him. However, Buffy’s inbuilt instinct kicked in and she slowly pulled herself away from her protector and stood up.

“OK, let’s go.”

“You sure, Pet? You can stay as long as you need.”

“No. I don’t want to go, but I know that you will stay with me and Dawn as long as we need you.”

“That’s right, I will.”

“I am not happy. I don’t think I ever will be, but that’s OK. One day I will get my peace back, but until then I am going to take every day as it comes.”

“Too right. Guard dog Spike is coming with you. He will look after you and sis. You do what you want, when you want, and I’ll sort the rest out. Might not be real proper peace, but it’s the best you can have till you head back to Heaven.”

And so, they slowly headed across Sunnydale. Both knew that there was a lot to process, that she had a long journey ahead of her. But she was willing to share the burden and accept Spike’s help in her future steps.

An agreement made between a vampire and a slayer didn’t seem a good bargain, but in this case they both agreed that it was better than ignoring the problem. A better bargain, indeed.






Part of the dialogue from BtVS Season 7, “Touched” has been borrowed. Such beautiful words deserve to be seen again, and again!

This week, and next I have less hours work, which although it's not good for the bank balance, means I am able to rest and relax, and actually spend a bit of me-time. Not something I have ever done, so feels weird, but something that I do want to be able to do. It's trying to get a balance ... I know that, but with my shifts varying so much it is hard to get life sorted ... but maybe that works out better for me, as I have never been one to plan ahead, at all (well except for holidays!)

My sports massage yesterday was good ... well painful on my injured leg. However Abby is hopeful with very specific exercises I will be able to walk on holiday ... so, for once, I am being a good girl. A bit later I am going to walk and get my holiday money so we shall see how that goes.

Thinking about the place I am going reminds me of how much life has changed over the years (I must be getting old!). I am going to a large supermarket, where you can get everything ... unlike the small so-called supermarkets that I grew up with. And, years back money was only available at banks ... and mostly you ordered traveller's cheques that you cashed abroad.

Right, I need to do some serious work for my seasonal_spuffy post in a couple of days, as I am working tomorrow all day ... so ...




11 – World Ego Awareness Day: Do you know anyone with an incredibly inflated ego? When was the last time someone's ego came into conflict with your own?
Sadly my brother Nick ... always has had.  This means that now he is struggling with his health, physical & mental, he is having even further problems.

12 – Limerick Day: Do you like limericks? Do you have a favourite?
I love the traditional (clean) ones ... and one I actually remember is -
    There was a young man from Bengal
    Who went to a fancy dress ball.
    He thought he would risk it
    And went as a biscuit,
    But a dog ate him up in the hall!


Right, let's get on  x

I had this idea for a fic, but am not 100% happy with how it flows.  For all my school years my English teachers always said things didn't make sense when I tried writing, but I have persevered since joining fandom ... so hopefully it makes enough sense for you to be able to enjoy

BtVS
Spuffy
938 words
No wranings, not even PG rated.


Written from Buffy's POV, in the days after "Chosen" ... and going AU from there.



Burning Love

“No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it”

Why did he say that?

Despite the flames, the pain, and the scars I now have on my hand, all I can think of are his words.  “No, you don’t”

But there again I have always been the queen of mixed signals.  I had grabbed him, then run away.  I had accepted his comfort, yet gone off by myself.  He never knew how I would greet him, or even if I would greet him.  So how was he to expect an honest statement from me?

But I did love him, I do love him.

The space in my life now is huge, bigger than when I first let Heaven.  How could I not realise that he was my Heaven, my comfort, my everything.  All I have now are the memories, and the millions if wishes and regrets …

And the scars

My heart is scarred, but no one can see those or even want to know that they are there.

My hand is scarred, and all everyone wants me to do is get Willow to get rid of the scars.  But even though we have got past arguments behind us, I am not letting her remove them.  They are the last link with him, the last visible memory of my love, my vampire, my William.

Hours, or was it days, or even weeks.  The pain in my heart seemed to increase.  Those around me are getting their lives back on track.  I think Giles is steering clear of me at present - He wanted me to tell him what I was planning to do with my future to do, the day after the battle.  I answered him by just turning my back on him, otherwise what I would have said would have permanently finished our relationship.

 Dawn brings me food, but mostly just looks at me with questions, and worry, in her eyes.  I know that at some point I need to speak to her, and the others.  However, she did side with the others in throwing me out of my own house.  At least HE was there, HE saved me … again.

How can I move on with my life with my anchor missing?  What am I meant to do now?  How can everyone just expect me to move on, to forget him?

My hand itches.

My heart is sore.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow will bring things a bit more into focus.  Maybe I shall feel a bit more balanced, but somehow, I doubt it.

###


Another day.

Another day to drift through.

Another day to not know how to spend the time.

But …

…. Well, that’s different, anyway.

As I look at my hand it looks as if it’s alight again.  The pain is not there, but the image is.  It had taken Willow some time to focus on my hand to be able to see the flames, and she just says that it’s odd, but is not concerned … or if she is worried, she isn’t saying anything.

As I sit and watch the flames, the image of his hand in mine seems to come even clearer.

Flames

Clasped hands

Flames

Clasped hands

"Buffy!"  At long last my mind broke away from that image.  Willow was literally shouting at me.  As I looked at her, she just added "I have been trying to get your attention for a few minutes, are you OK?"

“Oh, ummm, yes.”  I stammered an answer and tried to re-focus on the room in general rather than the image of burning hands.  “What did you want?”

“That phone call was from Fred, you know she works with Angel.”

“So, what does Angel want?”

“Actually, what he wants is for you not to know.  However, Fred thinks that you need to know the truth.”  Willow explained.

“So, what decision has Angel made on my behalf?”  I had cleared the air with Willow over quite a few things, recently, including how I was fed up with the older vampire.  Having spent time with Spike, I realised how the two vampires were so totally different.  They both did things for my good, yet Angel’s idea of that was to tell me what to do, whereas Spike was just willing to be there and help however he was needed.

“Apparently yesterday’s post brought a surprise parcel to the offices.  When they opened it, out came a ghost,” Willow began to explain.  “It is Spike.”

“Sp..sp..spike”.

“Yes, he is a ghost.  But his first question was asking about you, so Fred thought you needed to know.”  Willow finished the explanation.

Collapsing back in my seat I stared at the flames around my hand.

Willow let me absorb facts, but was stunned when I abruptly stood up and announced that they were going to LA.

###

I travelled with Dawn and Willow and made good time in getting to Angel’s offices, although nowhere near fast enough for me.  We arrived and walked into his personal office without waiting to be announced.  As luck would have it, Spike had just popped back into the room.  I ignored Angel and walked straight up to Spike with my burning hand extended, and to everyone’s shock grabbed the ghostly hand that stretched out towards me.  Rather than nothing happening, the hands re-connected, the flames burnt bright, and with a loud pop Spike became fully solid again.

And so we just extended our touch into a full comforting hug, and a few moments later, without a word to the others in the room, walked out into their future arm in arm.

I do think that my osteopath thinks he can "kill" my injured muscles ... payback for all the times I have made my patients in the past sore!  I wonder how much he has been bribed!  However, although painful, he is pleased that the foot/ankle is more stable this week than in the past treatments, so he was actually very positive.

So, good news - but the leg is still sore!

Work yesterday was good again, with another early finish, but today it was an OK clinic .... with a normal finish time.  In the gaps between tests I was able to get my on-line training up to date, so that was positive.  Pre Covid I used to spend a full day in classrooms doing on the mandatory training.  Now the only classroom training is the annual resuscitation, and bi-annual health & safety.  So, now I am up to date until my resuss which is not due until May ... yay!

My letter writing plans of Monday didn't get done, so I need to do some of that. I also am trying to sribble a story for seasonal_spuffy ... so must see if I can get my brain around that.    I have a couple of WIP's, as well, that I would like to get back to at some point ... but the brain fog really doesn't help me with that.  A couple of the exercises my specialist has given me are meant to help with them ... but I do find them almost impossible to do.  Hopefully practice will make perfect!

So, here I am, all caught up again, but before I go


26. Do you struggle with dry skin in the winter?
No

27. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager?
No.  Maybe it's because I have always worked with the general public (my first shop work was at 16), and realise that most of the time it is "not their fault"

As I said in my last post this is my seasonal_spuffy day and I have already posted a season 2 banner ... and now here are 13 icons -

1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10

	11	12	13

As ever, all are snaggable, but credit would be appreciated. The credits are available over at my icon journal - d4s_icons

This set of 13 icons is made for somein30 .... for Round 08: Relationships being the theme.

I did them under the basic mode and opted to make (mostly) 2 icons from some of my truly favourite pairings.

Buffy & Spike - BtVS
Captain Janeway & Chakotay - Star Trek Voyager
Avon & Cally - Blakes 7
Hawkeye & Margaret - M*A*S*H* (the series)
Jack & Sam - Stargate SG1
Dr Mike & Sully - Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman
Hercules & Zena - Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13

As ever, all are snaggable, but credit would be appreciated. The credits are available over at my icon journal - d4s_icons

I have made 15 icons for Round 5 of somein30 ... the theme was Atmospheric, and I chose the basic mode. I decided to do a set of 5 from each of my 3 favourite TV pairings ....

1 - Buffy & Spike, BtVS
2 - Janeway & Chakotay - Star Trek Voyager
3 - Carter & O'Neill - Stargate SG1


Here are the 3 teasers -

        

( The full set is here )