Things To Remember.

[debris4spike]

Someone has just sent me this list - I had seen a couple before, but thought I would share them.
 

THINGS TO REMEMBER

 

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather  –  who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all thepassengers in his car.'

 – Author Unknown

 

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'

 – Author Unknown   

 

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'

 – Drew Carey   

 

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'

 – Jeff Foxworthy

 

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'

 – Dave Barry

 

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'

 – Bob Ettinger

 

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''

 – Paula Poundstone

 

8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh'

 – Conan O'Brien

 

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh No ... I could be eating a slow learner.'

 – Lynda Montgomery

 

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.Let's go west.''

 – Richard Jeni

 

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'

 – Johnny Carson

 

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'

 – Paul Rodriguez

 

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida,but they turned sixty and that's the law'

 – Jerry Seinfeld

 

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'

 – Warren Hutcherson

 

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.  Monogamy is the same.'

 – Oscar Wilde

 

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself'

– Mark Twain

 

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan .'

  – A. Whitney Brown

 

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,and the dog will give you a look that says,  'Wow, you're right!I Never would've thought of that!''

 – Dave Barry

 

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.

 – Unknown, presumed deceased
 

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.I believe I'll have another beer.'

- W. C. Fields

 

Comments

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

*snerk* These were great fun. Thanks!

[debris4spike]

There were some good ones there, weren't there?

[auntiero.livejournal.com]

*grin*

Keep 'em coming! They're much needed today!

[debris4spike]

There are some good "facts" around, aren't there?

[kalinda001.livejournal.com]

Love those! Thanks.

[debris4spike]

Glad to be of service!!

[larabeckinsale.livejournal.com]

That was so funny! *lol* just what I needed to cheer up my day (`cause I got the flue and feel crapy today) Really funny, thanks for posting it, here's my favorite: 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' loved that! Do you mind if I snag this from you?

[debris4spike]

Yes, I think that was my favourite as well.

Hope you feel better soon - I have the remains of a tummy bug, so not 100% myself!

Yes, you may snag - spead the fun!

[colored-leaves.livejournal.com]

Number 14 is my favorite! I totally cracked up when I read that!! Thanks for posting this!

I copied it and sent it to a few friends. :)

[debris4spike]

Yes that was funny - makes me wonder why some of these rules are written!

Yay - share the giggles.

[louise39.livejournal.com]

Thanks for these.

[debris4spike]

It's good to have a giggle, isn't it?

[cordykitten]

Funny selection :))
Adding to memories for future use.

[debris4spike]

It is a great selection, isn't it?

[norain21.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's completely hilarious! I was literally laughing out loud, haha.

[debris4spike]

Fun, wasn't it?

[crossreactivity.livejournal.com]

Hee! #2 is too true some days. Thanks for the giggle. :)

[debris4spike]

Yes, that was one of the ones that really made me chuckle!