Challenge debris4spike Story # 3

[debris4spike]

Last week I challenged you to challenge me - here   and auntiero gave me an opening line "He came awake to the scream of the pterodactyl soaring overhead, the pain of newly drawn breath lancing through his lungs. " ... With the request that I don't use spoilers from either of this seasons Torchwood or Dr Who.

I chose Torchwood and did a short (233 word) story ... I'm not at all happy with how I have done the "voices" ... but see what you think - 

TRYING TO BE FREE

He came awake to the scream of the pterodactyl soaring overhead, the pain of newly drawn breath lancing through his lungs.

Why did she keep doing it?
Why didn't she believe me?
How can I make her listen.

Jack kept the questions running through his mind as he struggled to straighten his neck into its correct position.

Sure enough, there was Suzie standing there looking at him. She held a stop-watch in her hands and looked like she had been timing him, from the minute he had hit the ground, until the second that the breath had come rushing back into his lungs.

The stop-watch was familiar, so was the look on her face.

"Why Suzie?"

"I can't believe it is true" was her reply.

"But after all this time, all these attempts. We have better things to spend our time on. We now even have our elevating platform to repair now."

"One day," she replied, "I will find a way to be free of you. One day, you will not be able to prove yourself superior!"

"Suzie, I am not superior. Sure, I know a lot about life, but that is only because I have been here a long time. Now, lets just get on, get the repaires done ... and find some food for our poor baby, before I ask him to fly off with you and answer all our problems!" 

Comments

[xheartrockx.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is exactly what Suzie would have done. Poor Jack *pets Jack* Love that last line, very him.

Great piece, hun.

[debris4spike]

Thanks Sway - the story you want is getting there - slowly ... but will end up a bit longer ... I hope!

[xheartrockx.livejournal.com]

Oh, take your time. I do have an idea for yours but it's nowhere near in production. And longer is always good :P You know, size does matter :P

[auntiero.livejournal.com]

Oh! Prezzie! Awesome! And I think you did a great job. :) Thank you, thank you!

[debris4spike]

Thanks - it was hard to try to get Jacks voice ... and wanted to avoid the spoilers for you.

Thanks for the challenge!

[bendy1.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday \o/

[debris4spike]

Thanks - I have had a great day

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope it's a good one! :)

[debris4spike]

Thanks - its has been good so far ... a couple more hours to go!

[empresspatti.livejournal.com]

Hey There!!

Just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday. I hope you have a great day.

[debris4spike]

Thank you - it's almost over, but has been great!