1) They are building a new retirement complex ... backing onto the crematorium!!! (They obviously don't expect people to have a long retirement!)
2) Just across from the hos[ital is a small parade of shops. 5 shops, 2 of them are funeral directors (They obviously don't trust the doctors!!)
Well, as I said - madness abounds today!
On a more normal note, let me wish Queen Elizabeth a lovely 91st birthday.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's when the world was normal, people took acid to make it weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its bum.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Anyway, today one of the guys I work with made me choke. He tends not to say much normally, so even funnier.
Mike - Busy day?
Me - Yes, how about you?
Mike - OK
Me - I shall be off tomorrow, so it doesn't matter how things go today!
Mike - No work?
Me - No, I'm going to Bath with a friend.
... slight pause ...
Mike - I don't have friends who are that friendly!!!
I eventually started breathing again and we agreed that I was going to a city, not sharing a tub with someone ... the mind certainly started strolling down certain routes at that point!
So I am happy when you get to share silly minutes in the course of a working day!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
You Are Serious
You are the type of person who is happiest when you're grounded and into your routine. You like predictability.
You Are Who
You are a very social person, and you are happiest when you're surrounded by a big group of friends.
You Should Be an Actor
You are a flexible and even changeable person. You are constantly evolving.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
So enjoy a giggle (hope you get the English humour)
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric!
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
( And a couple more )